Extra Unreliable
Drug shortages, jealousy, longlists, and vertebrates
I apologize for the radio silence over the past few weeks, this newsletter has been extra unreliable. The antibiotics I took for the bad bacteria in my gut messed up my system, but I am A LOT less bloated. There is also a drug shortage of cromolyn sodium, which I rely on to combat the histamine in my gut and without it I feel just awful. It took a while to track down the only box in Seattle, which was only a six day supply, which meant I had to track it down again. I ended up ordering it from Amazon, of course they were the only ones who had it - I am not pumped about them having any of my medical information - but that’s late stage capitalism for ya. Let’s hope that next month brings an abundance of cromolyn sodium (just in time for Passover).
something I have been thinking about
Something I think about daily, and have for as long as I can remember, is envy and jealousy. I know they have two different definitions, psychologically, technically they are supposedly different, and I appreciate that many of you might find issue with combining them. In my opinion, they are often too entwined with one another to differentiate. I am going to use “jealousy” to mean both jealousy and envy. I will also use both feelings and emotions, there is definitely a difference, but again - in this case they are very intertwined (as they probably always are).
Jealousy is an interesting emotion, especially bone deep jealousy, it is one of the only emotions left that is considered taboo, even in the most progressive circles. I don’t mean romantic jealousy, I mean the “feeling or showing envy of someone or their achievements and advantages” including, but limited to, various kinds of relationships, financial situations, professional success, ability, or opportunity to start a family, family dynamics, vacations, and health.
Unfortunately, whenever I think of the idea of jealousy and the way it has made me feel the two movies that immediately jump into my mind are Single White Female and Ingrid Goes West (side note: I have to say that the first 20 seconds of the trailer made me loudly cackle in the theater when I initially saw it, it was very apropos of my life at the time). There are also books and more movies such as American Psycho, The Talented Mr. Ripley, The Count of Monte Cristo, along with an endless number of horror films. These stories are our cultural reference points that strongly insinuates that intense jealousy is dangerously abnormal. Two of the ten commandments are about envy – that is how ugly and unattractive we have considered the feelings around jealousy to be.
Jealousy has always been one of my most overwhelming emotions. It is an emotion that has often become suffocating during the past few years, and it is the only emotion that I still feel shame around. I want so badly for us to be able to unapologetically discuss this emotion, that comes very naturally to many of us and is almost impossible to escape. It is isolating, it often leads to irrational anger and gets in the way of relationships- both with family and friends. It is not just the feeling that is isolating, but also the lack of ability to share the burden without unduly placing blame and guilt on the person in question.
Some might suggest that I meditate or list all the things I am thankful for or my favorite - it could be worse (I find that thought the least helpful). Yes I have done all these things and more (therapy and DBT workbooks etc.) - still do. But that does not mean that the feelings and emotions around jealousy magically disappear and won’t come back at the most inopportune moments. It’s like playing what-a-mole. Jealousy needs to taken out of the dark and acknowledged. I am not sure what my next steps will be to deal with this very uncomfortable feeling- but it sure helps a bit talking to you all about it.
currently reading
Call Me Zebra by Azareen Van Der Viet Oloomi: A satire about an Iranian refugee who uses her literary hero’s to guide her across the world following in her ancestral legacy of anarchists, atheists, and autodidacts. I am very much enjoying it and can’t help drawing similarities with my own family of Jewish intellectual refugees.
A Love Song for Ricki Wilde by Tia Williams: A romance with some magical realism set in contemporary Harlem and the Harlem of the 1920s. Very fun.
something short to read/watch/listen to
An interview with Tim Mak on the evolution of a new kind of war correspondent. Tim Mak’s substack of on the ground war reporting in Ukraine is worth a read.
My friend Reda did a fun roundup of all the best murder mysteries that are streaming in March.
For those of you who have not been participating in the Taylor Swift revolution, I recommend watching The Era’s Tour. You will be welcomed into a reconstructed world where the patriarchy has been successfully smashed, with just the right amount of ego, and the visceral power of art.
The Atlantic shared 32 pictures from 1924 - 109 years post Napoleonic Wars, 59 years post U.S. Civil War, 6 years post WWI, 1 year post Russian Civil War, 9 years before Hitler won the German election, and 14 years before the outbreak of WWII, and 100 years go from today.
Attention science enthusiasts - Berkeley’s 300,000 vertebrate specimens along with other Natural History Museums’ collections are being digitized in 3D and online - and those of you with 3D printers can print your very own platypus skeleton.
Longlists
One of my favorite times of year is when book prize longlists begin to come out, I love longlists because they shine a light on books that would have gone unnoticed. Below are some of the longlists that have been announced that I closely follow.
International Booker Prize Longlist. This year the list includes books translated from Albanian, Dutch, German, Italian, Korean, Polish, Portuguese, Russian, Spanish and Swedish. The International Booker Prize long list is a great way to discover books and authors from cultures you have never read about or even thought about reading about. This year’s judges: Canadian broadcaster Eleanor Wachtel; writer, translator (from Italian), and editor Aaron Robertson; Sri Lankan author Romesh Gunesekera; South African artist William Kentridge; and Mojave poet Natalie Diaz.
Women’s Prize for Fiction. This year Monica Ali chairs the judging panel, the judging panel includes Ayọ̀bámi Adébáyọ̀; author and illustrator Laura Dockrill; actor Indira Varma; and presenter and author Anna Whitehouse.
something from an archive
some visual enrichment
Naomi: You are quite the writer! I love your perceptions about life in general and your knowledge of history, art, cinema, books, and so much more. Your visuals are always a fun surprise! Keep up the phenomenal work.
Thank you for the mention! ❤️ I can relate to this post on so many levels. It’s strange how being chronically ill brings certain emotions to a boil for reasons that were never an issue before getting sick. I find myself wrestling with things that I’m forced to acknowledge and try to understand while being patient with myself, which often feels impossible.